Fish over head

I've been thinking about my life a lot recently. Eventually I want to put some of it on here, but it's too much for one blog post and I'm not sure what of it I'm ready to share. I'm ready to share one part though, which is partly an update on me.

As many of you know, I had been frantically searching for a job since just before Thanksgiving, when I found out that my assistantship funding had run out. It was upsetting not only because it meant I was out of a job, but also because it was a job that I loved. I applied to three positions (and looked at hundreds online). When I showed up to the interview for the first it was abundantly obvious that they'd already chosen someone else. For the second one, I got the notice on a Monday and submitted my materials that Wednesday only to discover that it had already been filled. The third position was posted this past weekend (I think). I applied for it as soon as I saw it, interviewed on Tuesday and was offered the position. I'm really excited about it! It's work that I love doing, with what seems like a great group of researchers.

It was a God moment for me. While telling my husband about the interview and the job, I told him that I was ashamed about how worried I had been. Most of a decade ago one of my best friends shared this with me.

Some years later I heard the expression that fear is the faith that something won't work out. This picture and that phrase have stuck with me for a long time. I've used them both in times where things were uncertain. So when my job situation was resolved, I realized, with shame, that I hadn't held fast to this image. I'd been afraid. I'd had faith that something wouldn't work out.

Maybe it's not that simple. Maybe God uses anxiety as a motivator, to push me to look hard for and strive for something. But I doubt it.

All of this is tied closely to an internal debate that I have, and that I know for a fact some of you have. It's a hard one that I feel like I'm always looking for an answer to. It goes like this: I'm a girl who loves to struggle. I love facing a hard task. I love compelling myself to try something that I only suspect I can do. I'm convinced that God made me this way. Because I'm both a nerd and an overachiever, I'm a PhD student. As my good friends MT, NS, DP, and others will tell you, it's a hard road. There are times when every good graduate student questions how much they want the degree, and how much they are willing to sacrifice to get it. During the hardest points in the program, I wonder whether a) God is trying to test my devotion to the path He laid out for me, b) God is telling me that I belong elsewhere, or c) whether I'm trying to use God as an out. I'm still here and plan to stay here, apparently because I believe that A is the correct answer. And, despite whatever road blocks and frustrations I encounter, I do absolutely LOVE my work. Regardless, when it comes to navigating the everyday, it's just hard to figure out what God is saying when you have your head in a fish.

some things have changed

A lot has passed in the few weeks since my last blog post. Let me update you first on running.

The following weekend I was scheduled for 14 miles. When I got up to feed the baby at 6 on Saturday morning, the weather looked bleak. I decided there was no way I was going to run 14 miles that morning. I would rather do it the following day, when the weather promised to be better, even if it meant running it alone. Later in the day I discovered that my coach had made the same call, rescheduling practice for Sunday morning. So Sunday came and I rolled out of bed, into my winter running gear, and headed to the park, only to find that.....I was the only one there besides our coach! She patiently waited over 2 hours for me to finish the 14 miles. I was proud of myself for doing it, both because of the distance and the weather.

Then I went home and wrote an email to the Team coordinator and told her that I found out that I don't have funding for the spring (I'm working on this), and in conjunction with some other personal reasons, I needed to withdraw from the Disney Marathon. Realizing that it was not feasible for me was heartbreaking. It was also the best thing for my family. The coordinator was completely understanding. For those of you who have donated to my race, I will be emailing you about this. Rest assured that the money you have donated will not only still go toward a great cause, but will also still be supporting my quest to complete a marathon. I am planning to run the Chicago Marathon with the Team next October. It will be glorious.

We spent Thanksgiving in Maryland with our families. Elliot got to spend more time hanging out with his 2-month-old cousin, Nadia (I'll post some pictures when I have access to them), and met some of his Nana's closest friends. I got to see my best friend, and she got to meet Elliot. It was a lovely time.

In other news, Elliot had his 6 month check-up on Wednesday. He weighed 16 lb. 15 oz. and was 26" tall. The doctor said he's a good looking kid, and I have to agree! He seems to be enjoying fruits and vegetables, except peas. Really, who can blame him for refusing pureed peas? He can sit up on his own with no support for long periods of time now, though every here and there he still wobbles just a bit. He has the best smile and laugh I've ever seen or heard. Of course, I'm biased. :)

biscuits

I officially have a new favorite biscuit recipe. Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook (14th ed.) "Biscuits Supreme." They are flaky and very buttery. They only take 15 minutes to prepare (probably less once you've made them once) and 10 to bake. Let me know if you'd like the recipe. Or if you already have the cookbook, go make them. Now.

hurts so good

Last night was the regular Wednesday night track practice. We did a warm-up, 10x200, and a cool down. I tend to do better with longer intervals, so I really had to work at the 200s (1/8 mile). It went really well! I started out at about 48 seconds and sped up to 45-46 seconds, then maintained that pace throughout. I think that might have been running too hard, but I was glad I did it. Um.. until I woke up this morning. Oh my goodness, I don't know that I've ever seen sore from a track workout before, but man was I sore today. All the muscles through my hips and quads hurt. It's a good thing! This is the area I've been struggling to strengthen. It's finally happening!

I have one more workout tomorrow before my Saturday morning long run. It's supposed to snow on Saturday, so wish me luck. It will be my longest run ever--14 miles!

In other news, things at school have been...exciting? My funding for spring is uncertain, so I have been searching for opportunities on campus and trying to make plans in case nothing comes through. Also, as of today, I can see the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel between the qual and the prelim. I think I will be able to schedule it pretty soon. Stay tuned.

For the dedicated

Yesterday was a test in dedication. It was about 37 degrees, overcast, and windy. Yet we met, a handful of weather-hardy alumni to complete our Saturday run. For those of us training for Disney, we had 12 miles in front of us. I took plenty of breaks and even walked a few minutes of the course. I was proud of our little group for sticking it out! After the run Jaymie and I waited for another teammate to finish. It was fun to sit and talk and catch up. I'm getting used to the idea that I'll be heading inside for most of my mid-week runs from here on out.

On the fundraising front, my husband had a great idea--raffle off a Wii! I've talked to several teammates about this and everyone thinks it's a great idea. I'm working now to nail down a ticket price. Let me know if you are interested in buying a chance on the Wii!!

weather's turning

My beyond crazy schedule is making it ever-more difficult to find the time to get a run in every day. The only way it was going to happen today (which was making up for yesterday's missed run) was to get up early and head out. It was gorgeous. The sky was clear along the horizon during sunrise. I could tell that it would be an overcast morning, but it wasn't yet. It was cool out, maybe 55, but not cold. Shorts and a long-sleeved shirt were all I needed. Then, even by the time I left the house for work the weather had started to turn. Most of the day was vaguely damp and unpleasant. That made me appreciate my early morning run even more. There was a slim piece of beautiful today, and I savored it.

I don't want to make this an Elliot blog, but every now and then I just can't resist. He has a new favorite toy: a shiny silver bow. That's right. As in a bow you would put on a Christmas present. He is completely mesmerized by it.

I love that little boy.

back at it

After Wednesday's track practice I finished the week with a 2.7 mile Friday afternoon run. Feeling pretty good about my gentle return to training after the Indy half, I headed out this morning for my long run. The schedule for today said 8 miles. I was thankful for the cut-back in mileage, since I've been easing back into training. What a beautiful morning! It's November and I was wearing shorts! The leaves were magnificent in the park. It was the perfect long run to get back into things. By early afternoon I was surprisingly sore already. I feel like I'm heading into the long haul now. It feels good.

Fundraising is going more slowly than I had hoped. I had a few nice donations from friends this week, but I haven't heard back from the corporate and institutional contacts I've tried. Hopefully there will be some news this week!